Been running to the toilet whole night. I wonder what's wrong with me.

On a happier note, I finally watched Forbidden Kingdom! It's so cool and it's quite el-oh-el. Mountain of flowers & fruits indeed.

Purest of Pain

Sorry didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight it
I guess I was weak, couldn't even hide it
and so I surrendered, just to hear your voice.

Don't know how many times I said I'm gonna live without you,
and maybe someone else is standing there beside you,
but there's something, baby that you need to know.
That deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying.
I have to see you, it's all that I'm asking.

Baby, give me back my fantasy.
The courage that I need to live,
the air that I breathe.
Living without you, my world's become so empty.
The days are so cold and lonely
and each night I taste the purest of pain.

I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better everyday
that it didn't hurt when you walk away,
but to tell you the truth I can't find my way

And deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying.
I have to see you, it's all that I'm asking.

Baby, give me back my fantasy
the courage that I need to live,
the air that I breathe
living without you,
my world's become so empty
the days are so cold and lonely
and each night I taste the purest of pain.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight it.
I guess I was weak, couldn't even hide it
and so I surrendered just to hear your voice.


This is exactly what I'm feeling:
More Than Words

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't hove to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my hear was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say is I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words

I will not let anyone bully me.
Or Michelle.

How sad. Remembered myself sitting, drinking, crying all alone, with no one around to hug, to lean on, to cry with. Cried till I could almost felt myself die. Cried till I wanted to walk into the middle of the road and forget everything. But thinking I still have my FYP, I can't do it. In case I don't die in the crash, I have to repeat a year in poly.

Will you cry for me?

That's all for all the promotion for my sister & Linxiu.
:*)

I hope I get some rewards too! Hiak hiak. I don't do things for free you see? Maybe if my sister's power fuel saver business goes well, she can buy more bubble tea and yummy food home for me! Or maybe if Linxiu & Jinbo's entrepreneurship Tinieyes' business goes well, I can buy their stuff with a higher discount! Hehe. x)



I may seem happy, but I feel much more sad than anyone else.
Atleast at this very minute.

I was drinking alone at my void deck, pondering & crying. Wished someone was with me. But the someone(s) just.. won't ever be here. I hate my life. I hate some people. I hate everything that is happening to me. Kill me.

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$100 spent on my spectacle frame. Ouch.
But I guess it's quite worth it. I should have been wearing it for atleast 3 years already, since Michelle says she have seen me wore it since year 1. x)

I don't like it when people don't pick up my calls. Tsk.
& some people just don't know when to open their mouth and when not to.

Woke up with a bad headache, hence skipped school.

Fourth day we didn't see each other, and he don't seem to give a damn. We haven't been talking much, be it online or on the phone & we seem to be drifting apart. He didn't even bother to ask me out on Sunday or visit me today. Then never mind lor. We'll keep it this way, until he opens his golden precious mouth to ask me out this weekend. I swear, I want to stop taking the initiative to find him anymore. What's the point? I mean, it takes two hands to clap. I should just sit back, like him.

Ya, he used to say he's not the one asking people out, because he doesn't like to make decisions and he never ask his friends out, always the other way round. But I don't think he should continue to be like this in a relationship. I don't think it's too much for me to expect him to at least change that for me. He can't possibly wait for me to ask him out forever.

What do I get in return for all I do for him? Words, words and more words. All he knows how to do is use his mouth. I feel tired.

Crystal Jade, Lollipop @ MOS

I was looking out for money dropping from the sky. x)

watch this. x)

I didn't know there were people who read my blog, other than Denise & Jiahui.

Anyway, I finally had my beauty sleep. :) Enjoyed my almost 11 hours of beauty sleep plus the very cooling weather due to the rain in the morning & a heartwarming talk with Wilson in the night before a short everyday-goodnight-conversation with Darling & exchanging "I love you"s. :) I was home surprisingly early yesterday, & my granny didn't notice I was home. So she called me at 8plus then realised I'm already home because she heard my ringtone.

So I went to visit Darling after classes because both of us ended early. Tonight was good. :)
I love you. :*)

Tomorrow would be even better, because I have no classes! :D But I'd still need to go back to school to meet my FYP supervisor because it's a weekly-must thing. But after that would be my suntan session with Jiahui. :) Been spending a lot of time with her ever since she quit her job at Millions, & I'm so glad. & times when I don't see her, I'd even miss her! I told her that, and both of us felt that was so lesbian. But, we're the best of friends.. What do do? :)

BEWARE: THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY LONG POST, VERY.


I feel that I'm always the bad guy. Whenever we turn up late for class, everyone will just assume that I'm the one who's late, that's why the other one is also. Everyone will just put the blame on me. Because I'm always the one who does the talking, and the other one is forever so quiet and innocent and forever the cute one. Just like the week before school reopen during the meeting with the supervisor, he just immediately insisted that I'm the one who's late that's why the rest are. Hey, I wasn't the only who's late and I'm not the only one who is late alright? Stop pointing fingers at me. Stop pushing everything to me. And the thing is, I didn't force others to wait for me alright? Why don't people understand?

Whatever we do in school or anywhere even outside school, I will STILL be the bad guy. Why? Because I'm the one who has to make ALL the decisions. Why? Because the other one only shrugs or gives the same answer, "anything" or "I don't know". So I'm the one who decides, I'm the one who talks, and I also become the one, one that everyone thinks I'm bossing people around, particularly that somebody. I'm not trying to boss around or make her do what I tell her to. But since somebody doesn't wanna make any decisions or say anything, somebody would still have to say something and do something and start the ball rolling. And that somebody, who takes the rap, who becomes the baddest person of all, is none other than yours truly. A million thanks. Claps.

Now I go to school, only for the sake of going. Because I need to complete my studies. Not because I want to, but I have to and must to and need to. School used to be happy, because I'd get to see all the lovely people, my lovely friends. But now I don't see the motivation to go to school anymore. Everything seems meaningless already.

Even Darling and I are having problems. Such problems are enough already. About girls and guys and school, even my family. When will anyone of you give me a break? I'm not superwoman or wonderwoman.

I hate the kind of cold attitude that he is giving me now, and as always. I only hope that he can show more care and concern for me. I only hope he can dedicate a little more of his time and attention to/for me, someone who is only dying for his attention, his TLC and better treatment from him. Is this even too much to ask for?

Maybe only I think I'm right. Maybe I'm just plain selfish.
Well, forget it. Now I'll only try to keep myself occupied everyday. I can keep myself busy with school work. Thinking about going back to secondary school to seek help from ex-teachers to do surveys for my project on Thursday afternoon, which is tmr. Sun-tanning with Jiahui again, on Friday. "Cooking lessons" at Jiahui's place on Saturday morning. My Sunday is left free, hoping that someone is willing to take me out on a simple date. Hoping he would ask to see me. Hoping he would come around, maybe coming up to my place just for a little cuddling. I still need him as much. So much that I just can't imagine what's gonna happen to me if I were to lose him one day.

Perhaps he would fall for another woman just so naturally and unknowingly probably somewhere out there, be it in school or maybe just happen to bump into each other on the street and love at first sight?
Or perhaps one day he will just feel bored of me because I do nothing but stare at the computer screen blankly and do nothing meaningful or do nothing that he does; or maybe because I don't know how to do everything - I don't know how to cook or do household chores or sew or knit, I just don't know anything, a useless and worthless woman.
Or perhaps one day he will feel sick and tired of me, because all I do is nag, nag and nag and keep wanting him to pay attention for me.

Tsk. I can't stop thinking.
Just.. Maybe.

What a long day it had been. I hate Mondays because of the long lab session for FYP and the long break and a long practical from 3pm to 6pm. That's late. Already lose my concentration by then. I managed to pull through today, although this period of time had been really bad for me.

Tsk. I can't stand loneliness. I hate to be lonely.
I think they read my blog and know I'm talking about them, expressing my anger and all that, in a very bad way I must admit. Sometimes I wonder, am I too selfish? Maybe I'm the selfish one, not them. No matter how strong and cheerful I seem to be, I have my most vulnerable times.

:(

And I hate cold wars. We simply have nothing to talk about. I hate the coldness, I hate the silence between us, and I simply dislike his attitude towards me, like he don't give a damn. I just want him to care more about me. I need someone to rely on too. :(


On a happier note, let me post some ugly pictures of mine. Hopefully it can brighten up your day(s) if you're reading this, and you're feeling as down as me.


Hehe.




This is Linxiu, my model. Or rather I guinea pig, I should say. My guinea pig to let me try out how these frames will look. Hehe.



& Michelle decided to try them on me.



But these frames are nice. (:



Michelle says Linxiu look damn fake in his photo with this "wanted" frame because if you're wanted, you shouldn't smile. So I try to sob.


Yesyes?

Sighs.

I feel damn uncomfortable with myself now. I miss him so much but I don't wanna always be the one going to find him. But now he's sick, and we didn't meet up on both weekends. I really wish to visit him, but you xin er li bu zu. Because he's sick, I don't wanna go because I would have to go home alone, which I don't like, so it makes me don't feel like going anymore. Am I selfish?

I feel that i do also don't feel right, don't do also don't feel right, do this also don't feel right, do that also don't feel right. Idk what's the problem. What's wrong with me?

Ahhh. I'm down with flu.

I have the KFC craving again. I need lots and lots of food now, all sorts of junk food.
:(

:(
I think this happens to every relationship when it gets long.
Problems, and more problems.

I don't think it's appropriate of me to say "how I wish we can be like what we were in the past" because we weren't even good to start with.
Maybe he's getting tired of me.

As long as you're happy, I'll be happy..

Hello SaturdaySentosa! (:





Sorry la, pardon my flabby and fat tummy alright. :P


My fat face! Argh!









Went sun tanning with Jiahui but the sun wasn't really strong. Only got a little little darker, really very little! And now I'm red all over. Satisfied my craving of KFC and I realized I'm addicted to Pepsi. Hee. Pepsi is new love. <3

I think I should stop slacking because it's time to get serious with school. I still don't seem to have the project mood which I think I should have by now, because the FYP is really damn important. :(

Boyfriend went out with his friend despite he's sick. Bought another gundam, which I shall not state the price here. But it's not that I'm being money-face or some materialistic girlfriend here. It's just that I'd rather he spend those money that he earn, to pamper his girlfriend since he hasn't been doing so for a very long time. If not for me, at least for himself, save for his own use and future too. But he just don't seem to understand. To him, gundam seems to be everything. Maybe I'm wrong to think this way, not letting him buy the things he want with his own money, and make him want to buy stuffs for me. It's not that. I don't know how I should explain this feeling but, just using a little of his money and bring me out on a simple date isn't too much of me to ask for what.

Sighs. I don't know how long more can we stay together. Sometimes I feel so not confident of this relationship, I feel so insecure, and I feel so not important to him because I feel like I'm just another person in his life, I wonder how much he loves me now and how long will he love me for. I really want to find a guy, and settle down till marriage. It's still a little too early to think about marriage though but, sighs.

Maybe I'm just too tired these few days.

Yay it's friday! :D Went to school for the sake of meeting Karl Kwan and the half-hour little role play. It totally sucked. Saw this kitty around our school. So cute!

Today is like a kitty day. After seeing that kitty in school, after dinner Darling's mum brought up a stray kitten, just born! Super cute! & the way it meows makes it sound so pitiful. So teeny weeny! <3 Then the catty that Darling sort of "keep" also came up. He's fat but so cute! It's also a stray cat but it became like their pet. Hee. (:


Was fixing my keroro at Darling's house today. The manual looks so difficult but actually it's not very. Hee. (:


Gonna continue next week. (:





Darling's so shy because he's not wearing shirt. Get well soon baby. <3