every single word in this entry is extracted from the magazine and none made up or edited by me.
Which marriage is without its disagreements?
The key to an enduring relationship is not the absence of conflicts, but how each difference is managed. Here are five conflicts you must learn to resolve.
1. DIFFERENCES
A marriage is about two people coming together to set up a family unit. So it is also about the union of two different personalities, experiences and habits. Inevitably, these differences can lead to disagreements and conflicts, say counselors.
Evelyn Khong, a family life educator at Fei Yue Community Services, says, "The husband may have grown up in an environment where he did not have to handle household chores. He is very likely to therefore expect the wife to handle it. On the other hand, the wife may become frustrated at having to cope with the chores herself. Inevitably, there will be disagreements."
The advice? Draw up a list of why the habit(s) irritate you and talk to your spouse. Then, give each other a bit of time, such as a month, to adjust.
2. EXPECTATIONS
A couple may have varying expectations of marriage and their spouse. Sometimes, these expectations remain unspoken even after marriage, says Joanna Koh-Hoe, President of Focus on the Family Singapore. "By its nature, courtship allows couples to live in denial but marriae makes that posture much more difficult to maintain. It is therefore important for couples to develop realistic expectations of each other and their marriage". A marriage preparation workshop can help.
3. IN-LAWS
Counselors describe this as a "big" issue among couples they have worked with. Conflict occurs when one spouse, usually the wife, cannot see eye to eye with her in-laws, and the husband ends up caught up between his parents and his mate. While it is commendable to uphold the Asian value of fillial piety, the husband must remember that his wife should be the most important person in his life. In fact, Asian men must understand that they are not viewed as less fillial if they speak up for their wife, Joanna points out.
Says Evelyn, "As you embark on a new life together, agree to reduce involvement with your parents. Use the time to get to know your spouse instead. If you feel you do not agree with your in-laws' behaviour or opinion, speak to your husband about it, so he can have a word with his parents."
4. MONEY
Some 70% of broken marriages are triggered by monetary woes, say counselors.
Sometimes, conflict can arise due to different ways of dealing with money. Says Evelyn: "It boils down to the different ways men and women view savings. For instance, the wife may feel that buying in bulk during a sale will translate into long term savings, while the hisband may feel that it is better not to buy at all."
She also suggests a couple works out a budget, so they learn to spend within their means. It also helps if they pool together a comon fund for household expenses. Keeping track of income and expenditure prevents accumulation of debt.
At the end of the day, adds Joanna, the emphasis should be on the health of the relationship and not the details of accounting.
5. CHILDREN
Differing approaches to parenting can lead to a hotbed of conflicts.
Says Evelyn: "When disagreements occur in, let's say, disciplining the child, refrain from articulating your displeasure in front of him or her. The kid may become confused as to which parent to believe. Instead of putting down your spouse, support for him. You can, however, discuss afterwards why you were unhappy with this decision. Avoid blaming each other but look for ways to solve the conflict."
Quick tips to resolve conflict
1. SET ASIDE TIME TO RESOLVE DIFFERENCES
It allows both parties an opportunity to talk about their frustrations before the conflict builds up. In fact, scheduling a regular discussion time helps because it creates distance from the problem so you can remain objective while working it out.
2. SAY "I" INSTEAD OF "YOU"
Sentences such as 'You did this' and 'You did that' come across as accusatory. They also cannot sufficiently indicate how you actually feel. On the other hand, sentences such as 'I feel this way...' and 'I get frustrated when...' make it easier for your spouse to understand and empathise with your feelings. Your other half is therefore less likely to become defensive.
3. FOCUS ON THE ISSUE
It is tempting to begin the conversation with a topic like over-spending and bring in other grievances such as in-laws, but concentrate the discussion on the issue. Complicating the issue makes it overwhelming and difficult to solve. Your spouse will also feel more upset.
4. RELEASE YOUR RAGE RIGHT AWAY
Staying angry tends to make you defensive. Sometimes, it can also cause you to vent your anger at your spouse instead of working out the conflict with hm or her. Try to channel away the anger through ways such as exercise or taking deep breaths. Learn to identify why you are angry and express it appropriately.
5. LISTEN TO YOUR SPOUSE'S ARGUMENT
Take time to assess the truth from your spouse's point of view. For instance, instead of countering or interrupting his or her argument with yours immediately, you may want to acknowledge your spouse's standpoint with a statement like, 'You're right' or 'I'm sorry'. It helps to pave way for resolution.
6. MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR PRIORITY
Respect each other and avoid name calling. Never mention 'divorce' because it creates distrust and fear. Remain constructive and explore options together to solve the conflict.
ME: this part too points out the areas whereby i did not resolve conflicts between darling and i the correct way or at least the more appropriate way. :( and now i know, how not good enough i have been, for him.
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